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Barbie's Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every
year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing
skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea
from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but
it is DEFINITELY pay back time!! There had better be some changes
around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide
meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!)
So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller
are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it
feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.
What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation
underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!
3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo
over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with
the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, make
us anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have
to twist, just do it!!
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut
it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations
senior account exec!!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie" complete with
a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie" with my very own paint
gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs;
or "Stop Smoking Barbie" sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped
with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve
it!
Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas.
It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
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