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Beer
Guide
An
overview of some of the most common beers in the market today.
DOS
Beer - Requires you to use your own can opener, and
requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the
can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a
16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of
2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued,
although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's
no longer available.
Mac
Beer - At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now
comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light"
beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the
fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can.
If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you
don't want to know." A notice on the side reminds you to
drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows
3.1 Beer - The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz.
can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already
own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few
of them, very slowly, especially if you are drinking the Windows
Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a
can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2
Beer - Comes in a 32-oz. can. Does allow you to drink
several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows
3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that
its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them
up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs
have been sold.
Windows
NT Beer - Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy
it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out
and buy bigger refrigerators. The cans look just like Windows
3.1 Beer, but the company promises to change the can to look like
Windows 95 Beer's -- after Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted
as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only
for use in bars.
Unix
Beer - Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging
from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand
loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands
taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when
you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener
around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete
set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer
for several years.
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