I Read It On The Internet
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free
M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other
people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman
numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man,
was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket
of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone
knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which
is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was
in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over
and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD
BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!"
but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to
his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would
destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the
crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer
who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which
all of the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus
cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true -
I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF,
who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000
if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report
his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to
press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the
phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return
slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was
wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one
where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose
last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and
the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for
every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them
was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get
it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck
but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send
it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital,
but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights
on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly
shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and
you will receive 4 green M&Ms - if you don't, the owner of Proctor
and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will
have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth
Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin
rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under
your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails
forever.
I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
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