Top Ten Reasons Why the Canadian Union of Postal Workers Is Being Legislated Back to Work:

1. Vancouver RCMP in urgent need of five thousand gallons of pepper spray delayed in transit by strike.
2. Preston Manning thinks "back to work" is really "back to slavery."
3. Conspiracy on the part of "X-Files" TV producers, who are running out of things for Sculley and Mulder to investigate.
4. Parti Quebecois votes "oui" to everything.
5. Hockey fans think if strike ends soon, they can send Mark Messier to Japan Olympics via inexpensive parcel post.
6. Georges Clermont, considering retiring from his $380,000 annual income job as Canada Post President, wants to make sure he gets his pension cheques promptly.
7. Conservative party still blames postie union for loss of several hundred seats during previous two elections.
8. Sheila Copps terrified she won't get the latest Victoria's Secret catalogue in time for Xmas shopping.
9. Bill Gates told Jean Chretien "Don't negotiate; everyone who counts has e-mail."
10. Roche Carrier still sore about that darn sweater.