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Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply
gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas
Cards.
December 2- Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas
message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine
cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha
trim.
December 5 - Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.
December 6- Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee
for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows '98
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 - Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday
scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 - Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in
Montana.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner
guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned
seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's
sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider,
orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be
seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many
people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 28 - Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.
December 29 - Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for
my four computers.
December 30 - Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn,
and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the
MIR space station.
December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call
one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.
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