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Quips & Quotes on Lawyers
A lawyer awakened after a serious operation to find himself in
a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?"
he asked the doctor. "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting
a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake
up and think the operation was a failure."
***
Where there is a will, there's an attorney.
***
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said
one to the other, "Let's be honest with each other." - "Okay,
you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
***
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.
Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice
as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
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Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an
Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most
sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers
and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge...
and boy, did they know how to charge."
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In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person
was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the
horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
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Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.
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When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of
her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.
Since I am an attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My
son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever
used the services of an attorney. "Only to mow my lawn," she said.
***
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence
for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness
on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,"
replied the witness.
*************
Ben Dover
&
C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law
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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after
a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came
back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor,"
he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want
to have him arrested for ?" - "Well, your honor," replied Carlson,
"I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the
car I stole."
***
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city
subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of
Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said
the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea;
go and bury 20 more of them!"
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Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
***
True story: A Toronto man was recently called for jury duty.
During the selection process it was discovered that he was, in
fact, the defendant.
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