Stupid Stunts

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Two teenaged boys from the Chicago suburb of Roselle decided to have a contest to see who was the tougher. Did they arm wrestle? No. Did they have a push-up contest? No. They set their shorts on fire. The contest, apparently, was to see who could last longer before hitting the deck and rolling around frantically. It gets better. Just regular old cotton wasn't doing the trick, so they rubbed their shorts with gasoline. This worked better than anticipated and the two had to admit themselves to the hospital for second-degree burns. The investigating officer didn't press any charges. "Each one of them participated by their own free will," Officer Mike Sullivan said. "Being totally stupid is not a crime." Unfortunately.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Taken from the July FHM Magazine True Stories: Two years ago I was working at a local video store when a guy in a Philadelphia Eagles jacket and a ski mask came in. He walked up to my register, pulled out a six-inch knife, and demanded the money. Thinking fast, I told him the register would open only if we had a membership card to scan -- a total lie. Even so, the idiot reached for his wallet and took out his card. I scanned it, handed him the money and watched smugly as he took off. After calling the cops and assuring the customers that I was fine, a guy walked in wearing the same Eagles jacket. Then he asked if he could use my phone because his car wouldn't start. After hearing his voice, the customer standing next to him knocked him out cold. The cops came and rushed the guy to the hospital, and we soon learned that we had the right man. We also learned that when the customer knocked him out, the robber collapsed onto the knife in his pocket, puncturing his left testicle. If that's not justice, I don't know what is.