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211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post.
A letter from the Smithsonian Institute:
[The story behind this...Apparently, there is a
nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends his "discoveries"
to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names
and insisting they are actual archeological finds. The bizarre
truth is this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Anyway, what follows is a letter from the Smithsonian Institute
in response to his submission of a recently discovered specimen.]
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute,
labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination,
and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that
it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
Charleston County two million years ago."
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the
head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has
small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie." It is evident
that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of
this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who
are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to
come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel
that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen
which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1) The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid
remains are typically fossilized bone.
2) The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately
9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.
3) The dentition pattern evident on the "skull"
is more consistent with the common domesticated canine (dog) than
it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate
roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly
one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with the Institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:
A) The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie
doll that a dog has chewed on.
B) Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that
we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This
is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal
operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy
in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge,
no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating
is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach
the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the
concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus
spiff-arino."
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously
for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately
voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated,
and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly
accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to
the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is,
nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of
work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know
that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office
for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted
to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what
you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered
in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's
capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of
us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly
interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding
the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural
matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur
you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a
rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
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