Amusing Quotes

"That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude."
- Alexander Haig

"Nobody believes the official spokesperson, but everybody trusts an unidentified source."
- Ron Nesen

"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
- Albert Einstein

"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones."
- Mike Barfiel

"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
- Charlie Brown

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over to Afghanistan to talk with the Taliban. Apparently he was having trouble rhyming the word 'Jihad'."
- Jay Leno

"Perseverance is a great element of success; if you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate your are sure to wake up somebody."
- Unknown

"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed."
- Bruce Lee

"I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in."
- Mick Miller

"Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin. The old record was none."
- Jay Leno

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
- Unknown

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
- Attributed to a R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.

"He grounds the warship he walks on."
- John Bracken on Capt. Barney Kelly, who ran the USS Enterprise into the mud of San Francisco Bay in May of 1983.

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
- Homer Simpson

"Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one."
- Homer Simpson

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein

"Promises are like crying babies in church - they should be carried out immediately."
- Unknown

"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"
- Homer Simpson

"Is there a difference between a fat chance and a slim chance?"
- Robert T. Schwartz

"Why can't we just spell it orderves?"
- Holly Thompson

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
- Tommy Cooper

"The gambling known as business looks with severe disfavor upon the business known as gambling."
- Ambrose Bierce

“What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.”
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
- Sir Barnett Cocks (ca. 1907)

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
- Unknown

"Repartee is something we think of an hour too late."
- Mark Twain

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
- Homer Simpson

"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped."
- Marcel Achard