"One of the fringe benefits of being an English
or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student
blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history"
of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected
by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through
college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot."
Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the
Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah
is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain
areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians
built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids
are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book
of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple
tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,
son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch
who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not
take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew
king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists,
a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's
sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also
had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother
of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable.
Achilles appears in "The Iliad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the
"Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured
on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by
another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
The government of Athens was democratic because the people took
the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the
mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what
their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the
Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At
Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar
extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March
killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero
was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing
the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops
before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George
Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should
be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and
also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot
an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value
of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door
at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible
death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's
interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation
of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then
her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies
and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations
out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another,
Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking
his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He
wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise
Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later
the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's
Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by
Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them.
The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian
heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very
fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.
Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put
tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels
through the post with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and
Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking
and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and
no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone
to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread
under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards
and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States
was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution
the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk
hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write
the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg
on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation,
and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But
the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other
innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to
the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly
insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity
was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn,
when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music
even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He
took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic
Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.
Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and
was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his
power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him
any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was
the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining
years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the
work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered
radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by
a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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