At These Temperatures...

At these Fahrenheit temperatures:

+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.

+60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).

+50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.

+45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.

+40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.

+35 - Italian cars don't start.

+32 - Water freezes.

+30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.

+25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.

+20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther South.

+15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

+10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.

+5 - American cars don't start.

0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.

-25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.

-40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip South.

-50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.