I received this bulletin today and thought I should pass it on in time to save everyone the embarrassment of making passe, partisan holiday plan faux pas.
Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge.
A man was blissfully driving along the highway when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me, we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care,
Secure in the knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over our town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night.
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scale there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber)
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
- You've got red and green bags under your eyes.
- You're serving reindeer pot pie.
- When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?" you scream, "No! I'm not listening! So SHUT UP!!"
- You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun.
- You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
- Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies.
- You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.
- You've got eggnog coming out of your ears.
- Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you moron!"
- Two words: tinsel rash.
This is a really great article by Bill O'Reilly about the ridiculous situation in our schools and governments concerning the observation of Christmas!!!!!!
December 7, 2002 - Somewhere Santa is weeping. It's time we all found out just who is being naughty this Christmas season, and I am here to tell you. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) has put the fear of God, uh, pardon me, the fear of "a higher power that may or may not exist" into schools and towns all across America. If you get involved with this Christmas thing, the ACLU might sue you.
December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2- Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
- 1 cup water
- 1 cup sugar
- 4 large eggs
- 2 cups dried fruit
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 cup brown sugar
- lemon juice
- 1 gallon whiskey
Bill O'Reilly - December 21, 2002
Growing up on Long Island just a few miles outside of New York City, Christmas was a major deal. The ethnic neighborhood I lived in celebrated big time with Irish, Italians and Jews all getting into the spirit of the season. Most of the small houses we lived in back in the late '50s were ablaze with Christmas lights and menorahs in the windows. Shrubs were also covered with red, blue and white bulbs. It was a regular Levittown Mardi Gras.
Every year you're bound to hear some youngster say, "I wish that Christmas would last all year."
What they don't know is that it does.
Wait 'til they grow-up & have to pay off the credit cards.
Get ready to roll your eyes...these jokes will sleigh you!
What bird has wings but cannot fly?
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
What do reindeer have that no other animals have?