Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Where is Jesus Today?

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Read more: Where is Jesus Today? 


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One day a boy named Tommy arrived in class, and his teacher, Mrs. Smith, started to talk about whales. "Whales can't eat people," she said, "their teeth are too soft and brush-like."

"But in the Bible, Jonah was eaten by the whale!" objected Tommy.

"I'm sure that's not true Tommy" said Mrs. Smith as she walked back to her desk.

Read more: Whales

Two Little Boys In The Hospital

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Two little boys are in a hospital and are lying next to each other.

The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second replies, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

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Kids Tidbits

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Kid Fact: No matter how many times you ask Mom for a new toy and she says no, there's always a solution with Dad! - Submitted by Paula L. Clair

While on vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town. She pointed to it and, told the children that it was the First Baptist Church. "It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town too."

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Three Little Pigs

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know! He said, 'Holy *&%! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.

Things I've Learned From My Children

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  • A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sqare-foot house 4 inches deep.
  • If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  • A three year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20-foot room.

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Spank Him Again

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An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Spank him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

Sorry I'm Late Mom

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Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Read more: Sorry I'm Late Mom

Science Exam

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The following are all quotes from 11 year olds' science exams:

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

* "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

Read more: Science Exam


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A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

Read more: Retardment


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Little Johnny has been really excited during show and tell. Finally, the teacher calls on him.

Johnny runs up to the front of the class and begins to excitedly tell his story. "Last night my dog got off the leash and he ran out in the road and a car ran over his butt!"

Teacher said, "Johnny, 'butt' isn't a very nice word. You should say 'rectum'."

Johnny replied, "Rectum??!! Heck yes it rectum, it KILLED 'em!"


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One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour."

Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

Read more: Quotes

Quips & Quotes on Kids

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The bus driver noticed an older woman hugging one of the students when she picked him up for pre-school one day. "Is that your grandmother?" She asked. "Yes," the pre-schooler said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." - "How nice," the bus driver said. "Where does she live?" - "At the airport," the boy replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."


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Proverbs As Told By Children

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(Thanks, Margie, for the Update!)

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Read more: Proverbs As Told By...

A Proper Goldfish Burial

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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Power of the Pen

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The Backpack (Frontpack?) Controversy

Upon picking my daughter up from her first day of school, I was amused to see all the children with their backpacks strapped in front of them. My daughter informed me that this was a new school rule announced over the loud speaker by "the principal himself." We had a good laugh and I said they all looked silly and we left for home.

Read more: Power of the Pen

Playing Mommy & Daddy

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Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Read more: Playing Mommy & Daddy