A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "Okay, jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
You've Proven My Point
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
You've Got Mail
A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house.
A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.
She did this several times and the neighbor that was watching her said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box."
"No," the blonde answered, "I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail!"
To: My Boss
From: The Blonde
Subject: Changing Calendars From Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year.
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it.
She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize.
She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
Where Are We?
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin.
As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
What's For Lunch?
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."
What is Easter?
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they may enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and we are thankful for---"
We Don't Serve Blondes
Once there was a blonde who walked into a shop. She saw something she needed on the shelf, so she walked up to the cashier and said, "How much is that TV up there?"
The cashier said, " Im sorry ma'am but we don't serve blondes here."
Well the blonde still wanted it so she put on a brown wig and went back to the store again.
Once again she asked the cashier if she could buy the TV on the shelf.
Jim was crossing the street at lunchtime with a blonde co-worker of his when she asked if he knew what the buzzer on the walk lights was for.
Jim explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, the blonde responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
A blonde had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
"Pretty good, I think," replied the blonde, "but if I go to work there, I won't get a vacation until I'm married."
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"
"No," replied the blonde, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"
There is a blonde, brunette and a red head on the run from the police. They come across this barn and decide to go in. They find three sacks on the floor, so they each get into one.
The police eventually find out where they have gone, so a policeman walks up to the sack with the red head in it, and kicks it. "Meow, meow!" says the red head and the cop says, "Oh, it's just a sack of cats."
Then he walks up to the sack with the brunette in it and kicks it. "Woof, woof!" says the brunette. "Just dogs," says the cop.
He finally came to the sack with blonde in it a kicks it.
"Potatoes, potatoes!" says the blonde.
Two Red Ears
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and
stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"
Two By Fours
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright," said the clerk, "how long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
A few more minutes go by and the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you okay ma'am?"
Two blondes were walking through a forest and came upon some tracks.
The first blonde says, "Hey, those are bear tracks."
The second blonde says, "No, those are deer tracks."
They were still arguing over it when they got hit by the train.
The Toilet Brush
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were at work one day when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. The brunette won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. The redhead was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. The blonde won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
Blonde Tidbits #8
Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
One day at the office, a blonde secretary was typing. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" - "Just use copier machine paper," the other secretary told her. With that, the blonde took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
Blonde Tidbits #7
Q. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A. You always hear about them but you never actually see one.
Q. Whats do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put her in a round room and tell her to go to the corner.
Blonde Tidbits #6
This one blonde is driving down the street and she sees this other blonde in a canoe in a corn field. The blonde in the car jumps out and yells at the blonde in the canoe. She says "What the heck are you doing? It's blondes like you that make us blondes look stupid. If I knew how to swim, I'd come over there and kick your butt!"
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
Blonde Tidbits #5
Q: Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: How did the blonde break her legs raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree!!
Q: Did you hear about the two blondes that walked into a building?
A: You'd think one of them would have noticed it!