You May Have Picked the Wrong Internet Service Provider If...
- Their company logo is, "Two tin cans and a length of string."
- You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
- Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
- Their proud boast is, "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
- Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
- You see the words "Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas" on their advertisements.
- You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
- "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports" is their motto.
- They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
- They charge by the word.
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Windows 98 Recall
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Where Am I?
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign read "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
To the question, "What version of Windows are you running?" these answers have been given to Tech Support personnel:
"Windows 85 -- uhh, why are you laughing?"
"I'm not running Windows. I'm running Office 97."
"How would I know? You're the technician."
"The Microsoft version."
The Mother Of All Viruses
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play, except Yanni CD's--with them it doubles the volume.
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
Top Ten Signs You're an Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application, you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
- Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
- It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
- In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
- It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
- The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
- Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
- The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
- The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
- The only chip inside is a Dorito.
- You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Top Ten Reasons To Buy a Pentium Machine
- Your current computer is too accurate.
- You want to get into the Guiness book as "Owner of Most Expensive Paperweight".
- Math errors add zest to life.
- You need an alibi for the I.R.S.
- You want to see what all the fuss is about.
- You've always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff.
- The "Intel Inside" logo matches your decor perfectly.
- You no longer have to worry about CPU overheating.
- You got a great deal from JPL.
- It'll probably work.
To My Darling Husband
To my darling Husband,
I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.
Computer - Tidbits
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
Those who can't write, write help files.
To be or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support
"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
"That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
"So -- what are you wearing?"
"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
Things to Do While Waiting
- Your 1998 taxes
- Complete your BA degree
- Watch you hair grow
- Finally clean your keyboard
- Count the tiles on the ceiling 200 times
- Think about commercials you saw during the Super Bowl
That's the Ticket
On a train to a large computer convention there were a bunch of computer programmers and a bunch of computer engineers. Each of the engineers had a train ticket. The group of programmers had only ONE ticket for all of them.
The engineers started laughing, figuring the programmers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.
When one of the programmers, the lookout, said, "Here comes the conductor," all of the programmers went into the bathroom.
Ten Little Gigabytes
Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line,
One caught a virus, then there were nine.
Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date,
Someone jambed a write protect, then there were eight.
Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven,
Then they cut the budget, now there are seven.
This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording made during monitoring of the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause. "
(I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.)
Spam I Am
My name is Spam.
Spam I Am.
I have some stuff I'd like to sell.
Take a look! It's really swell!
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.
$500 software that really rocks!
Just 20 bucks--still in the box!
So You Think You're Computer-Illiterate?
Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton.
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.