Family Safe Jokes

Find Us / Like Us

FacebookMySpaceTwitterDiggDeliciousStumbleuponGoogle BookmarksRedditNewsvineTechnoratiLinkedinRSS FeedPinterest
Pin It

Hometown Catalogs

Hometown Catalogs Sale

Login Form

A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.


Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts.

All the toilet seats mysteriously disappeared from the Police station last night.
The Police have nothing to go on!

Speeding Excuses

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

There aren't a whole lot of speeding excuses that are new to State Patrol troopers. Following are several favorites that were submitted to the Lincoln Journal Star:

Patrol Sgt. Chuck Buckingham heard one of his favorites after pulling over someone going more than 70 mph. The driver claimed a grasshopper had landed on the windshield as the couple in the car left town, so they decided to see how fast they could go before the grasshopper blew off. During the stop, the grasshopper was still on the car.

Read more: Speeding Excuses


Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

A man was pulled over for speeding.

When the officer asked for a driver's license,the man replied, "I've never had one."

When the officer asked if he had anything in the car he should know about, the man replied, "I have a stolen pistol in the glove box."

When the officer asked the man if he had anything in the trunk, the man replied, "I have my wife's dead body in there."

Read more: Speeding?

Small Town Justice

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

Read more: Small Town Justice

Hit a Pig

User Rating: 5 / 5

Star ActiveStar ActiveStar ActiveStar ActiveStar Active

A young man, kind of a skinhead, had started to work on a farm. The boss sent him to the back forty to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

Read more: Hit a Pig

Great Ways to Annoy Cops

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

When the police pull you over and they ask, "Do you know why i pulled you over?" reply, "Because you like my groove thing."

When the police say, "We're giving you a ticket," plead insanity and try to bribe him with donuts you claim to have in your backseat.

When asked by a cop if you saw anything at the crime scene, look around suspiciously and keep stammering and denying you saw anything.

Read more: Great Ways to Annoy Cops

Designated Decoy

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

Read more: Designated Decoy


User Rating: 4 / 5

Star ActiveStar ActiveStar ActiveStar ActiveStar Inactive

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

Read more: BMW

Accident Reports

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive
  • Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  • In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

Read more: Accident Reports

10 Speed & Corvette

User Rating: 4 / 5

Star ActiveStar ActiveStar ActiveStar ActiveStar Inactive

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther.

So he stuck his thumb out and after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride.

Read more: 10 Speed & Corvette