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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

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I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Which came first? The woman or the department store?

LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

I'm out of bed and dressed; What more do you want?

An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.