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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

A Redneck Valentine

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Kudzu is green
M my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
To have a sweet thang like you

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapp'n in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas

You move like the bass
Which excite me in May
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway

Yo're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can

You have all yore teeth
For which I am proud
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd

On special occasions
When you shave yore armpits
Well, I'm in hawg heaven
I'm plumb outta my wits

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd

Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead
You ain't mean like no fire ant
Upon which I oft' tread

Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack
My life is complete
Ain't nuttin' I lack

Yore complexion is perfection
Like the best vinyl sidin'
Despite all the years
Yore age it keeps hidin'

And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank

Some men they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day
They git it at Wal-Mart
It's romantic that way

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger
"That's impressive," I say

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth
"Diamonds are forever"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do
For you are too special
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift
Without taste nor odor
Better than diamonds
it's a new trollin' motor!