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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Things You'll Never Hear a Wife Say

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Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

That was a great fart! Do another one!

I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

You're so sexy when you're hungover.

I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

Let's subscribe to Hustler.

Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out other women.

I'll be out painting the house.

I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

Your mother is way better than mine.

Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself some new golf clubs.

I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Pete's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.