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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Official Language

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of her negotiations, Her Majesty's Government con- ceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as 'Euro English'.

In the first year 'S' will replace the soft 'C'. Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'C' will be replaced with the 'K'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'PH' will be replaced with 'F'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Government will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterant to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'TH' with 'Z' and 'W' with 'V'.

During ze fifz yar, ze uneseary 'O' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'OU' and similar changs vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yar, ve vi hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikutlis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.